Esther Perel: The secret to desire in a long-term relationship.

Repost - a classic TED talk from Esther Perel.

She addresses the paradoxical position that people in long-term relationships often find themselves: relationships bring stability and security, but passion requires novelty, surprise, and excitement. The precarious balance has a significant impact on sexual desire.

In long-term relationships, we often expect our beloved to be both best friend and erotic partner. But as Esther Perel argues, good and committed sex draws on two conflicting needs: our need for security and our need for surprise. So how do you sustain desire?

Documentary on disabilities and sex.

While we, as a society, are becoming increasingly more comfortable with sex, the sexual lives of disabled people is rarely ever acknowledged or discussed. And it seems that many within the able-bodied community are uncomfortable even thinking about it (e.g., link and link).

There has been a concerted effort to fight against stereotypes people may have about disability and sexuality. I previously posted a documentary on sex and disabilities. You can check it out here: link.

This latest project has been receiving a lot of positive attention. It's another documentary about disabilities and sex.

From Dazed

The film making us face the idea disabled people have sex
‘Yes We Fuck’ is an uncompromising look at the reality that disabled people have sex lives too. We caught up with director and disability activist Antonio Centeno to find out more
by Sirin Kale
As a society we’re becoming more accepting of sexuality in all its guises and forms – and rightly so. 2015 could be seen as the year when trans issues finally broke through into the mainstream after decades spent on the margins of society, while more and more women in particular are joining the sexually fluid revolution. And yet for all of our talk, there’s one conversation that we’re not having – about how disabled people have sex.
Spanish director and disability activist Antonio Centeno wants to tackle this prudishness head-on. His film Yes We Fuck (which is co-directed with Raúl de la Morena) is a no-holds barred look at the world of disabled sexuality, with uncompromising visuals (of people having sex) and a strong sense of moral purpose. Centeno shows human intimacy in all its forms, and what strikes you from watching the film is that the issues faced by disabled people when it comes to their sex lives aren’t so dissimilar to those faced by the rest of the population.
Watching the film, which recently showed at the British Film Institute’s Flare festival, at times makes for uncomfortable viewing. You’re discomfited by the fact that the sexuality depicted on our TVs and in popular culture almost uniformly represents one experience: that of heterosexual intimacy between two able-bodied, cis-gendered people.
Yes We Fuck is an uplifting, refreshing corrective to the narrative that disabled people are in some way sexless, made noble by the struggles they undergo to assimilate into a society that is in many ways ableist. The film isn’t perfect – sections are too long, and while Centeno wants to depict the reality of disabled people having sex, at times the camera lingers too long or in a way that feels intrusive. It’s clear that this is very much a passion project from the fledging director, and one which could perhaps have profited from tauter editing. Nonetheless, it’s rare to see a film which so profoundly makes you confront your own prejudices to recognize that we all of us share a common humanity and a common desire to express that humanity through the most natural act of all – the act of fucking, of course. 
To find why we need to get on board with the fact that disabled people fuck like the rest of us, Dazed caught up with Centeno at the BFI. Below is the transcript of our conversation, which has been edited for flow and clarity.

Read the interview here: link.

And the trailer:

Una pequeña muestra de lo que podremos ver en el documental Yes, we fuck!

Online dating impacting the way people choose partners.

couple online dating | Dr. Jason Winters | Sex Therapy | Blogging on Squarespace

The assortative mating theory suggests that people choose partners who are similar to themselves in many ways, such as education, background, social class, personality, and attractiveness. There's now a substantial amount of research to support the theory.

When it comes to physical attractiveness, this means that people of similar attractiveness typically pair up. But, and this is a big but, the longer that people know each other, the less important physical attractiveness seems to be.

In other words, physical attractiveness plays a larger role in who people choose when they don't know each other well. With more time to get to know one another, many other variables start to play an important role in partner choice.

Additionally, relationship and partner satisfaction in the longer term seem to have less to do with partner attractiveness than other partner attributes.

The article below discusses this in the context of online dating, where there are limitless partner options and people have little chance to get to know each other before they date.

From Priceonomics:

Online Dating and the Death of the 'Mixed-Attractiveness' Couple
by Alex Mayyasi
When was the last time you met a couple where one person was attractive and the other was not? 
There’s no reason couples like that should stand out—except for the fact that they are so rare. Seeing it can set off an uncharitable search for an explanation. Is the plain one rich or funny? Is the attractive one boring or unintelligent? 
While love-seeking singles speak of this dynamic through euphemisms like “she’s out of my league”, economists and psychologists have dismally documented it.  
"We think we have highly idiosyncratic preferences,” psychologist Paul Eastwick has said of dating, “but there's just no compelling evidence that those preferences [matter] once people actually meet face-to-face.” Experiments run by OKCupid, a dating site that matches singles by asking them which qualities they care about in a partner, support this idea
Instead it’s well established among academics interested in dating that “opposites attract” is a myth. Study after study supports the idea of “assortative mating”: the hypothesis that people generally date and marry partners who are like them in terms of social class, educational background, race, personality, and, of course, attractiveness. 
To use fratboy vernacular: 7s date other 7s, and a 3 has no chance with a 10.
There is an exception, however, to this seeming rule that people always date equally attractive people: The longer two people know each other before they start dating, the more likely it is that a 3 will date a 6, or a 7 will marry a 10. 

Read the rest here: link.

The science of erections and why many men struggle.

erections erectile dysfunction impotence | Dr. Jason Winters | Sex Therapy | Blogging on Squarespace

My latest piece for AskMen.com. A review of the physiology of erections, what causes erections, and how performance anxiety leads to erectile difficulties.

How Erections Work
AskMen Science: We Took A Long, Hard Look At What Makes Your Manhood Tick
by Dr. Jason Winters
You probably don’t remember the first time that you got an erection. That’s because it almost certainly happened when you were an infant. Infant males start getting erections at an early age, as their nervous systems develop. Most will also play with themselves and may even engage in masturbation-type behavior. It’s all part of developmental discovery, and is considered completely normal and healthy.
Some parents, not knowing this, freak out and worry that their kids are becoming sexual at too early of an age. They may unintentionally shame their sons, which can lead them to have some toxic feelings about sex, masturbation, and their bodies.
While shaming boys for getting erections and playing with their penises is to be avoided, as boys get a little older, it’s important to establish boundaries in terms of where and when it’s appropriate to play with oneself — for example, no masturbating at the dinner table.
By adolescence, most boys become well aware that their dicks get hard and that stimulation feels good. It’s usually around puberty that most guys start masturbating to get off. It’s also around that time that spontaneous boners become a thing.
Many guys have traumatic memories of spontaneous boners happening at the most embarrassing times, like in class, on the bus, or hanging out at the swimming pool. It’s pretty much a universal experience. Spontaneous boners can be the result of random nervous system activity, and can also be due to unnoticed sexual arousal (i.e., horniness).
But while most guys have spent a lot of time thinking about their erections, they might not know much about how and why they happen — so I'm going to clear all that up for you. 

Check out the rest here: link.

Women and minorities face the brunt of online harassment.

online bullying sexual harassment | Dr. Jason Winters | Sex Therapy | Blogging on Squarespace

The findings of this research are entirely unsurprising, but somehow seeing the data is still shocking.

Online harassment has become one of most pressing issues within the digitally connected world. Many large online publications have stopped providing the platform to comment on their articles. Others have opted to link accounts to social media so that commenting is not anonymous.

Even on social media itself where people are easily identifiable, comments can be cruel, persecutory, and harassing. It's largely attributed to the distance created by digital interactions (as opposed to face-to-face). People act likes dicks.

The findings of the research by the Guardian are even more saddening; they show that women and minorities, who are already disenfranchised in relation to white straight guys, take the brunt of online harassment.

From the Guardian:

The dark side of Guardian comments
As part of a series on the rising global phenomenon of online harassment, the Guardian commissioned research into the 70m comments left on its site since 2006 and discovered that of the 10 most abused writers eight are women, and the two men are black. Hear from three of those writers, explore the data and help us host better conversations online
by Becky GardinerMahana MansfieldIan AndersonJosh HolderDaan Louterand Monica Ulmanu
Comments allow readers to respond to an article instantly, asking questions, pointing out errors, giving new leads. At their best, comment threads are thoughtful, enlightening, funny: online communities where readers interact with journalists and others in ways that enrich the Guardian’s journalism.
But at their worst, they are something else entirely.
The Guardian was not the only news site to turn comments on, nor has it been the only one to find that some of what is written “below the line” is crude, bigoted or just vile. On all news sites where comments appear, too often things are said to journalists and other readers that would be unimaginable face to face – the Guardian is no exception.
New research into our own comment threads provides the first quantitative evidence for what female journalists have long suspected: that articles written by women attract more abuse and dismissive trolling than those written by men, regardless of what the article is about.

Read the rest here: link.

 

Is porn as bad as many claim?

xxx porn exploitation negative effects addiction | Dr. Jason Winters | Sex Therapy | Blogging on Squarespace

As described in the post on ethical pornography, there are three main concerns when it comes to porn:

  1. exploitation of performers
  2. impact on viewers (and indirectly on their relationships)
  3. significance for society in general

It's rare to find mainstream articles, pieces, or documentaries that provide a balanced and objective perspective on pornography. Mostly what you'll encounter are bold claims and black and white type arguments, all of which are critical. But the reality is much more nuanced. Yes, there are legitimate concerns. But no, pornography is also not the boogeyman that many people make it out to be.

This piece from Aeon provides an excellent overview. If you're curious about the concerns regarding pornography and what the research tells us, then it's definitely a very worthwhile read.

From Aeon:

Pornucopia
Critics say that porn degrades women, dulls sexual pleasure, and ruins authentic relationships – are they right?
by Maria Konnikova
I don’t remember how old I was when I had my first encounter with pornography, but I must have been around 10 – the experience is entwined with the sound of the AOL dial-up tone. It was something relatively benign – a close-up photo of some genitalia – and I wasn’t much shocked. I grew up in a family not given to sugarcoating the realities of the human condition and I’d known what to expect.
But what if I’d grown up a decade or so later, when the internet had graduated beyond the old-school chatrooms and into the ubiquitous juggernaut of today? My memory might have been decidedly different.

Read the rest here: link.

 

Objectum sexuality.

Objectum sexuality is characterized by a strong romantic and sexual attraction to inanimate objects. Objectum sexuals develop relationships with the objects that they love.

The best known objectum sexual is a woman named Erika Eiffel. She's appeared on several American talk-shows, and is the central character in the documentary Married to the Eiffel Tower (it looks like it's a dead link, but click play):

An observation documentary about women who fall in love with large objects rather than people. They maintain to have intimate relationships with them, including comunicating with them through telepathy.

Vice published a piece early last year discussing objectum sexuality that describes the struggles and judgment that Erika Eiffel has experienced. It also discussed the nature of objectum sexuality.

From Vice:

Breaking Up with the Eiffel Tower: Heartbreak Is No Less Real for Objectum Sexuals
By Nell Frizzell
Loss, grief, heartache: Breakups are no less painful when you're doing it with a bridge. Or a pylon. Or a wooden fence. Or the Eiffel Tower.
So argues Erika Eiffel, the tower crane operator and former award-winning archer made famous by the documentary Married to the Eiffel Tower. Erika is one of the few public objectum sexuals—people with a love orientation toward objects—and, in addition to holding a commitment ceremony with the 186-year-old French iron tower, has fallen for fighter jets, fencing, and is currently in a relationship with a crane. She also runs the support website Object Sexuality Internationale.
We don't know how many objectum sexuals there are in the world—not enough data has been gathered and people are, understandably, reluctant to identify their orientation in such a climate of distrust and misinformation. We do, however, know that objectum sexuality is found in both men and women across the world. In 2010, the clinical sexologist Dr. Amy Marsh wrote in the Electronic Journal of Human Sexuality that, while it is often assumed that OS is "a pathology" or related to "a history of sexual trauma," there is, in fact, no data to support such a claim and that "OS appears to be a genuine—though rare—sexual orientation."

Read the rest here: link.

 

 

Bisexuals face double the discrimination.

bisexual sexual identity orientation discrimination | Dr. Jason Winters | Sex Therapy | Blogging on Squarespace

A recent study has confirmed what many bisexuals have been saying for years - they face discrimination from both ends of the spectrum.

Some straight people discriminate based on bisexuals' attraction to people of the same sex.

Some in the gay and lesbians communities discriminate based on bisexuals' attraction to people of the opposite sex.

The stigma driving this discrimination is associated with several myths that are perpetuated about people who are bisexual. Here are some examples:

  • bisexuals are just promiscuous/overly sexual/sluts
  • bisexuals are just gays/lesbians that haven't come out of the closet yet
  • bisexuals are sexually greedy
  • bisexuals just can't make up their minds
  • bisexuals are confused, or going through a phase
  • bisexuals can't be sexually monogamous
  • bisexuals will cheat on their partners with people of the other sex

Of course, these myths are complete baloney, but they persist nonetheless.

The following article does a great job of reviewing the study and discussing the discrimination that many bisexuals experience.

From the DailyBeast:

Are Bisexuals Shut Out of the LGBT Club?
New studies show that bi people are being excluded by both straight and gay peers.
by Samantha Allen
No, bisexuals don’t have twice as much sex as everyone else. But there is mounting evidence to suggest that they experience double the types of discrimination as their gay and lesbian peers.
Two studies published in the December 2015 issue of the Journal of Bisexuality confirm what bi people have been saying for some time: The discrimination they face within the LGBT community is as real as the discrimination they face outside of it. As the U.S. enters its first full year of marriage equality and the battle for transgender rights continues, these studies point to the persistent but often ignored problem of biphobia among gay men and lesbians.
In one study, Counseling Psychology Ph.D. student Tangela Roberts and two professors at the University of Massachusetts surveyed 745 bisexual people about their experiences of discrimination in various social contexts. They found that the biphobia their respondents experienced from gay men and lesbians was not equal to, but still disturbingly comparable to, what they experienced from straight people.

Read the rest here: link.

What it's like to be a romance novels cover model.

romance novels beefcake model hot | Dr. Jason Winters | Sex Therapy | Blogging on Squarespace

Curious about what it takes to be a romance novels cover model?

The romance novel industry is growing at a rapid rate. In 2013, it was worth almost 1.1 billion dollars and the expectations are that it's going to be worth even more as new reading platforms continue to develop.

Consumers are no longer satisfied with paintings of Fabio gracing the covers. They're demanding photos of men, and variety. While the demand is there, the money for models isn't.

From the New York Times:

With Romance Novels Booming, Beefcake Sells, but It Doesn’t Pay
This corner of the book world is red hot and among the most innovative, with
e-books and apps, and it needs a steady stream of fresh-faced cover models.
By Laura M. Holson
SANTA CRUZ, Calif. — Jason Aaron Baca is good-looking, not handsome like the Ryans (Gosling and Reynolds) or rugged like Daniel Craig, who is fetching in a tailored Tom Ford suit. But when Mr. Baca, 42, slipped on a pair of dark aviator glasses recently, he looked remarkably like Tom Cruise in “Top Gun.”
He was dressed for work in a khaki military jumpsuit. And even though it was barely noon, he had already stopped by the gym to make sure his biceps and legs looked combat-strong. His assignment: To be a military helicopter pilot saved in a crash by a female rescuer with whom he once had a torrid affair. Now that they’re reunited, their passions have flared.
Mr. Baca is a cover model for romance novels. He has been on nearly 500 book covers, by his own account — one of scores of men like him vying to be heroic heartthrobs. Not since the flaxen-haired Fabio Lanzoni dominated drugstore book racks in the 1980s and 1990s, with his lion’s mane and bulging biceps, have cover models been in such demand.

Read the rest here: link.

 

Documentary: The Man Who Ate His Lover (Vorarephilia).

Another documentary on the subject of paraphilias.

This one addresses vorarephilia (and masochism). Vorarephilia is a sexual preference for eating another person. It's likely very rare, although we don't know for sure - there isn't any research available. It's presumably even more rarely acted upon. However, there are a few recorded cases. The one described in this documentary is the most well-known.

From the description:

Consider the following story line for the ultimate video nasty. Single man meets radical male masochist on the Internet. On their first date, the masochist offers up his penis as main course in a romantic dinner for two. After some teething problems over the best way to prepare the food, the two men enjoy a meal of garnished genitals. Satiated, and feeling woozy, the masochist is led upstairs to the bathroom, where he is left to bleed to death. Hours later, our host pops in to see how his date is doing, and finishes him off with a knife to the throat. He then butchers the body and barbecues the meat.

Even as fiction, this extreme tale of human weirdness would be difficult to stomach. So how do we respond when two middle-aged computer engineers turn this incredulous plot into jaw-dropping fact? Two words: shock and awe. Just when you thought you'd heard it all, along comes a German cannibal, Armin Meiwes, and his willing victim, Bernd-Juergen Brandes, to rewrite the book of bizarre human behaviour. Rarely has a criminal investigation aroused such ghoulish curiosity or raised such difficult questions about the dark places that the human mind can go.

His Wikipedia entry is here.

Armin Meiwes (born 1 December 1961) is a German man who achieved international notoriety for killing and eating a voluntary victim whom he had found via the Internet. After Meiwes and the victim jointly attempted to eat the victim's severed penis, Meiwes killed his victim and proceeded to eat a large amount of his flesh.Because of his acts, Meiwes is also known as the Rotenburg Cannibal or Der Metzgermeister (The Master Butcher).

Documentary: Animal Passions (Beastiality).

Being turned on by fantasies of having sex with animals is not entirely rare. Based on the scant research available, somewhere in the range of 10-15% of people likely have these sorts of fantasies (e.g., link).

Acting on those fantasies is uncommon and in many places, including Canada, it's illegal. In some states in the US, however, it's legal.

Ethicists have struggled with the idea of sex with animals. They have identified two primary issues for consideration. First, animals can't consent. However, zoophiles argue that their animals enjoy the experiences and may even initiate. Second, we eat animals, kill animals for sport, and use animals to test consumer products and new medical devices and drugs. They do not consent to these experiences, and surely wouldn't if they were able to.

The documentary Animal Passions (2004) addresses these issues and many more. It features shockingly candid discussions and stories from zoophiles themselves.

From a review on IMDB:

One of the most extraordinary documentaries I have ever seen. I watched it with mouth agape as half a dozen Americans spoke of their love for animals and their intimate relationships with them. Producer Christopher Spencer reserves judgement and provides us with a very clear picture of why some human beings' love for animals extends to having sex with them. This is not an XXX-rated, Brazilian bestiality film featuring bad photography, crappy sound and pornographic imagery. This is an English documentary from a renowned documentarian who introduces us to some of the most marginalized people on Earth. The interviewees, both men and women, are incredibly candid about their zoophile lifestyle (an illegal lifestyle in most parts of the world) and come across as intelligent, articulate and resigned to their unconventional sexual proclivity. I admit that one early scene in which a group of male zoophiles admire a couple of horses and make lustful comments about their bodies made me feel slighty uncomfortable and reminded me that I'm more conventional than I thought. "Animal Passions" (not to be confused with the often bootlegged Color Climax porno film, "Animal Passion") is beautifully shot in rural America and stands as the most non-exploitive word on the subject so far. Although some of the docos on famous animal lover Bodil attempt to penetrate the mind of a zoophile, these are still geared towards the porno market and are only superficial "documentaries". Though this is sexually non-explicit, it is the most explicit exploration of this inflammatiory subject I've seen and stands as a fine anthropological document. Highly recommended.

The full documentary can be downloaded here (not for the faint of heart!). If it is unavailable, try again in a day or two - my Dropbox account limit keeps getting hit. Alternatively, you can view it on YouTube (NSFW language):

A British documentary on zoophilia presenting various personal, religious, psychological, and sociological views on the phenomenon of sexual relations between humans and other animals.

Vice documentary: Reversing Female Circumcision - The Cut That Heals.

I've posted about female genital mutilation (FGM)/cutting several times in the past. Check the links for a description of the procedures and the rationals behind them (link, link, and link).

This recent documentary by Vice follows the story of a Somali woman who pursues surgery to restore her sexual functioning, which she lost when she underwent FGM. Check it out.

On the International Day for Zero Tolerance for Female Genital Mutilation, VICE News reports on a little-known surgery that restores sexual function to the clitoris for women who had their genitals mutilated as children. We meet and follow a 32-year-old prospective patient who was mutilated at the age of six in Somalia, and who now lives and works as a nurse in the United States.

Film short: A Gay Hike.

Passed along by Franz (thanks!). From Extremely Decent:

The magic of nature lets the gang finally come to terms with who they really are. Subscribe: http://bit.ly/11FZqo4 Facebook: http://on.fb.me/184mMNN Twitter: http://bit.ly/13mhg3Z EXTREMELY DECENT is a sketch comedy group based out of Los Angeles, CA. Our popular videos include "A Facebook Update in Real Life," "The First Honest Cable Company," "Gollum vs.

Stephen Colbert on the drug flibanserin.

Last year, the drug flibanserin, trade name Addyi, was approved by the US Federal Drug and Administration, the regulatory body overseeing the approval of medical drugs (among other things). The drug is intended to treat low sexual desire in females, once other concerns are ruled out (i.e., relationship problems, anxiety, etc.).

The approval was met with major criticism, as the effectiveness appeared low and the side effects can be significant. Also, many clinicians (and researchers) argue that there are more effective, non-medication ways to treat low sexual desire.

Although there isn't good data available yet, it seems like it's not been that successful - in other words, very few prescriptions have been written for the drug.

In this clip from last fall, Colbert takes a swipe at the drug, and many would likely agree.

Good news, ladies. Also, there's some bad news. Subscribe To "The Late Show" Channel HERE: http://bit.ly/ColbertYouTube For more content from "The Late Show with Stephen Colbert", click HERE: http://bit.ly/1AKISnR Click HERE to download the Colbr App: http://apple.co/1Qqgwk4 "The Late Show" on Facebook: http://on.fb.me/1df139Y "The Late Show" on Twitter: http://bit.ly/1dMzZzG "The Late Show" on Google+: http://bit.ly/1JlGgzw Get new episodes of shows you love across devices the next day, stream live TV, and watch full seasons of CBS fan favorites anytime, anywhere with CBS All Access.

Gen Z much more accepting of non-binary identities and orientations.

Recognition and acceptance of LGBT(QIA) identities and rights have come a long way in the last few decades. Each newer generation is more accepting than the previous, and as such, younger generations have very different perspectives than older generations.

Researchers from The Innovation Group, a "creative think tank," (i.e., non-academic), asked Gen Zers about sexuality and gender. The results were recently reported online and presented at SXSW.

From Broadly:

Teens These Days Are Queer AF, New Study Says
by Zing Tsjeng
A new survey of young Americans aged 13 to 20 years old (also known, in marketing-speak, as "Generation Z") has found that they are far more open-minded and permissive than their older millennial counterparts when it comes to issues of gender and sexuality.
According to a report by trend forecasting agency J. Walter Thompson Innovation Group, only 48 percent of Gen Zs identify as exclusively heterosexual, compared to 65 percent of millennials aged 21 to 34.
On a scale of zero to six, where zero signified "completely straight" and six meant "completely homosexual," more than a third of the young demographic chose a number between one and five, indicating that they were bisexual to some degree. Only 24 percent of their older counterparts identified this way.
Fifty-six percent of 13-to-20-year-olds said that they knew someone who went by gender neutral pronouns such as "they," "them," or "ze," compared to 43 percent of people aged 28 to 34 years old. Over a third of Gen Z respondents also strongly agreed that gender did not define a person as much as it used to. This figure dropped to 23 percent among millennials who were 28 and up.

Read the rest here: link.

And some infographics:

sexual orientation identity queer | Dr. Jason Winters | Sex Therapy | Blogging on Squarespace
gender

More infographics here: link